It’s been a long time!

June 27, 2009 at 4:55 pm (It's just my life, TV)

So, I spent the first full month i had this summer in Kansas City with Neeraj. It was awesome. I just got back to my house and it feels so good to be back. I loved sleeping in my own bed. It was heavenly. I am stalling doing things because I have to mow my yard tonight when it gets a little cooler. I have never mowed my own lawn before. I am kind of nervous I will screw up my mower. Oh well. I hope there is still a warranty.

Anyway, I have been taking care of two dogs while i have been here. My roommate left her dog here for the weekend while she went to a wedding somewhere else. I don’t mind for the most part, but it is like I don’t really have the liberty to leave the house either.

Anyway, I have been catching up on some of my shows lately and I am so excited that a new season of saving grace is on… I love that show. And, the first two episodes of this new season has been outstanding!!

I think I will watch them again tonight!!

: )



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April 24th, 2009 Horoscope

April 24, 2009 at 3:07 pm (It's just my life)

Scorpio Horoscope for April 24, 2009
Tomorrow’s Horoscope | Yesterday’s Horoscope
Love Horoscope

Scorpio There could be a purpose behind all the bickering and strong words taking place in your social sphere. Someone has a gripe and another wants to be heard, and the ball is in your court to be the mediator. An unexpected call could be the catalyst for a fuller social life.

Scorpio: When it rains, it pours! After a long wait, everything is happening at once!

I know that there are more powerful things working today!

I just thought I would mention how ready I am for the next step in my life… (I know that this is a coded message, but oh well.)

The day went from a total loss to a complete recovery and more promise than I could ever even imagine!

I was honest. I almost died. I ran, got on my knees and begged… then it all changed.

Now… April 24th, 2009. I am different. I have a purpose. I have a life.

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April Fool’s

April 1, 2009 at 3:44 pm (Funny Random, It's just my life)

OK, so the pranks were handed out today. That is for dang sure.

My mother is moving into her new house today and my aunt got her good. My aunt is someone who is very scatterbrained. She would probably be one of the worst people to help anyone move, ever. She would look at everything and the things my mom would be throwing away she would want to keep and argue with her about those things. Nothing would ever get accomplished on her side of things.

Back to the prank… my mother had hired one of our assistants, Becky, who takes care of my grandmother to help her move today. Before she got over there, my aunt called and said Becky couldn’t do it, but she could. My mother said she was cursing. She would have to move things and unpack, plus spend the whole day with my scatterbrained aunt who, personally, I can only stand in 30 minute intervals…

Anyway, my aunt called and said she would be over in about 10 minutes. Becky was the one who showed up and said April Fool’s!

As for me, Revit thinks it is funny and isn’t letting me do what I need to do. Thanks a lot Revit… stupid architecture computer program!!

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March 31, 2009 at 4:04 pm (Funny Random, It's just my life)

The Idealist

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

Jungian Typology Estimate

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

If you do not know what that is, I suggest you take a Jungian Typology Personality Test. They are quite interesting. Everytime I take one this is always what I get.

INFPs are rare, intelligent, creative beings with many special gifts. INFPs are creative, sensitive souls who take their lives very seriously. They seek harmony and authenticity in their relationships with others. They value creativity, spirituality, and honoring the individual self above all else. They are very tuned into inequity and unfairness against people, and get great satisfaction from conquering such injustices. An INFP is a perfectionist who will rarely allow themselves to feel successful, although they will be keenly aware of failures. INFPs also get satisfaction from being in touch with their creativity. For the INFP, personal success depends upon the condition of their closest relationships, the development of their creative abilities, and the continual support of humanity by serving people in need, fighting against injustice, or in some other way working to make the world a better place to be.

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More Problems

March 28, 2009 at 8:16 pm (It's just my life)

Not like I didn’t have enough to think about last night, Evan came back to my house after we all left Nicki and Aaron’s place because he was drunk.  He was trying to walk as gracefully as he could, but he failed a little bit. It was hilarious. Anyway, we watched the most recent episode of Demetri Martin and then I was heading off to bed about 3:00 am when he told me, “Before you go to sleep I just wanted to tell you that you are my favorite.” Ha, what was I supposed to say to that? Well, I guess I just said “Thanks, have a good night!”

Really, it was weird. He was sleeping on my couch and I expected him to be gone in the morning, but he wasn’t. He was up watching TV apparently waiting for me. He wanted to take me out to lunch… I still can’t believe he stayed. I guess he had been up for an hour before I made my way in there. I was awake at 8:00 this morning because I just couldn’t sleep anymore but I was waiting for him to leave. I guess he took my dog out to go to the restroom. That was nice of him I guess. Anyway, he keeps trying to get closer to me and I want to just tell him it is never going to happen between us, but that he is a great guy and friend.

I have tended to crush the guys I have dated in the past in the end. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t want to do that ever again. Especially since I might have one last chance to make everything up to Neeraj. I have a new leaf. And technically, I didn’t crush Adam I don’t think. I wanted to break up with him because I was tired of thinking about another man. Plus, we had been in more of a friendship for the past couple of months. He knew that too. He understood we were done. I don’t think he likes it, but that is what happened.

Anyway, I am dreading the day where Evan says how he really feels about me. His biggest fear is rejection. Awesome… That should be interesting. I am honestly in no position to have a relationship for a very long time. That is the best choice for me. Plus, school is going to be super hectic for the next couple of months.  I have to be honest to myself and Evan and I would never work because I only see him as a friend. I could not possibly see him as anything more, ever.

Gees. I think relationships (friendly or intimate ones) are too hard sometimes. However, I also think that they are very worth it!

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The Verdict

March 28, 2009 at 1:48 pm (It's just my life)

So, there was a lot of awkwardness in our phone conversations, but it was kind of nice too. I loved hearing his voice again. We talked for quite a while, wait, we had a lot of long silences at first. Well, I guess not just at first. Anyway, it was almost indescribable.

Neeraj called me and he didn’t tell me to go kill myself or eff off. I really expected him to just say leave me alone for good. However, he didn’t. It was like a miracle for me. I couldn’t believe it and was in shock for a very long time. I believe that I still am. Oh well. I guess, in the end, we might try some aspect of friendship which is way more than I was even hoping for. It will take some time, a lot of time, but I will show him in the end it was worth it. I can be trusted and I am worth knowing again. I will make everything up to him. And, if I don’t I will keep on trying.

I am so blessed that he is even giving me this opportunity.

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Camping was a Success

March 27, 2009 at 1:38 pm (It's just my life)

I had a wonderful camping trip! We got to float the first day for a while and we found the best possible campsite available ever! We didn’t really have a plan where we were going to set up camp for the night, but somehow we found the perfect place.

It was right up the hill from the river and there was a pavilion, some cut wood, an old fire ring, clothes lines, an outhouse (which I refused to use…), a mirror on a tree, some picnic tables, and flat ground for our tents. I swear this place was amazing. We were so lucky to find it.

Anyway, I thought ahead and brought a giant tarp for my tent so if it rains it won’t seep through. It did rain and was pretty cold at night, but the tarp helped to keep the heat in and that was awesome. I was very proud of myself for doing that. The other guys in the other tent got all wet. I felt bad, but I wasn’t aware of the fact until the morning.

As for the turtles, I saw so many turtles it was ridiculous! I hear so many more plop into the water before I could find them, but I would say overall I saw about 35 turtles. That is a pretty good amount. I saw most of them when we were floating the second day because we spent more time on the river than the first day (makes sense).

Well, the only other thing I could say was that I was deeply affected by a phone call I got. I guess Neeraj tried calling my while I was out on the water and I didn’t have service. I knew that was going to happen. Anyway, I tried calling back like 3 times, but it said it failed every time. I was finally able to get a text message out at one point explaining that I was in the middle of no where.

Now for me, I spent the whole rest of the time thinking about the reasons he could have for calling. If it were me, I would have called if I had something good to say and sent a message over the internet if it was something not so great. However, it isn’t me. I am the one who avoids conflict. I think maybe he would just call to set the record straight and be done with it. I sure hope not, but I am going crazy now.

I was going to call last night on my way back but it was raining so hard that I could barely see the road. Then I thought, when I get home…. Nope, I didn’t get home until 10:00 and I thought that might be pushing it. So today I am going to call around 7:00 if he hasn’t called me by then. Gosh, I am so completely nervous. I am like a huge chicken because I believe in signs, and the fact that I wasn’t able to call yesterday might serve as some kind of omen. Dang it. I have been bracing myself for bad news for weeks and months. Now, I am down to the end of it and it is about to drive me bonkers. I keep holding on for that one glimmer of hope that maybe he has been like me all this time…

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2 Day Camping and Floating Trip

March 25, 2009 at 12:10 pm (It's just my life)

I am getting away for a couple of days. Maybe then I can stop driving myself insane, waiting. A couple of friends and I are going camping and canoeing. I am pretty excited. I just hope it doesn’t rain a bunch. That might put a damper on some of my plans, but maybe not. I do love the rain more than about anything.

I am praying that I don’t see any snakes… Also, I am going to do what I do everytime. I am going to count how many turtles I see. Usually it is a pretty high number. I don’t know, considering the season if there will be a bunch this time. I will let you know when I get back.




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March 23, 2009 at 11:39 pm (It's just my life)

Still Freaking Out.

I couldn’t sleep last night at all, what’s new there?… I have a feeling that it is going to be repeated tonight.

God, this is difficult waiting. Granted, I have waited over two years to let these feelings out, but still. I am going to go crazy.

Watch out for me… I might become a raving loon!

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I’m Totally Freaking Out

March 23, 2009 at 1:29 pm (It's just my life)

I sent a message to Neeraj explaining in not the best ways, that I still love him.

I could have written a novel about it but I tried to keep it relatively short, considering. Anyway, I figure it is now or never. I tried for so long to follow what he told me to do, but I just couldn’t wait and I had to tell him. I don’t really expect anything to come from it, but at least he will know what I have been feeling for so long. I figure that he has wiped me out of his past in an attempt to forget it all. I have never been able to do that.

I am upset at myself because I know that I could have done a much better job in person… It is just that I didn’t think he would actually meet with me, let alone find a time to do it. I don’t even know if he is with someone. If he is that is great! I wish for his happiness every single day. I also don’t expect him to just accept me and my mistakes. I know that I have been awful. All he has ever done was love me before and I gave it up. It really is my loss…

However, I would rather tell him now than go on the rest of my life thinking about the what ifs or continually comparing him to others when I know that he will always be that number one guy to me.

(Sigh.) What have I gotten myself into? Wow.

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No More JoMo

March 22, 2009 at 10:51 pm (It's just my life)

I drove down today and I came back today too!  I got bored and my mother passed out a little wasted. She had way too much wine.What’s new…

Anyway, I was sad being there so I just left. I missed Neeraj too much.


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March 22, 2009 at 10:24 am (It's just my life)

So, I am heading to Joplin in just a little bit. I am going to try to make it to BAM if they are open on Sunday before the Kansas game at 1:30. Maybe I will try to get there around noon-ish. That sounds like a good time.  My mother wants to go somewhere to watch the game. I have no idea where we would go, but oh well. I don’t spend too much time there. Every time I am there I just get sad. Everything I do reminds me of Neeraj. That is the sad part. Anyway, I am going to look up the Hookah Lounge. I have heard good things about it from my friends who are still there. Maybe I will stop by sometime, maybe not.

Well, at least I have a couple of good books to read. That makes things better. Plus, I get to take Hendrix with me. Yay! I love taking my puppy everywhere I go!

OK, I better get a move on. Later Alligators!

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