More Problems

March 28, 2009 at 8:16 pm (It's just my life)

Not like I didn’t have enough to think about last night, Evan came back to my house after we all left Nicki and Aaron’s place because he was drunk.  He was trying to walk as gracefully as he could, but he failed a little bit. It was hilarious. Anyway, we watched the most recent episode of Demetri Martin and then I was heading off to bed about 3:00 am when he told me, “Before you go to sleep I just wanted to tell you that you are my favorite.” Ha, what was I supposed to say to that? Well, I guess I just said “Thanks, have a good night!”

Really, it was weird. He was sleeping on my couch and I expected him to be gone in the morning, but he wasn’t. He was up watching TV apparently waiting for me. He wanted to take me out to lunch… I still can’t believe he stayed. I guess he had been up for an hour before I made my way in there. I was awake at 8:00 this morning because I just couldn’t sleep anymore but I was waiting for him to leave. I guess he took my dog out to go to the restroom. That was nice of him I guess. Anyway, he keeps trying to get closer to me and I want to just tell him it is never going to happen between us, but that he is a great guy and friend.

I have tended to crush the guys I have dated in the past in the end. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t want to do that ever again. Especially since I might have one last chance to make everything up to Neeraj. I have a new leaf. And technically, I didn’t crush Adam I don’t think. I wanted to break up with him because I was tired of thinking about another man. Plus, we had been in more of a friendship for the past couple of months. He knew that too. He understood we were done. I don’t think he likes it, but that is what happened.

Anyway, I am dreading the day where Evan says how he really feels about me. His biggest fear is rejection. Awesome… That should be interesting. I am honestly in no position to have a relationship for a very long time. That is the best choice for me. Plus, school is going to be super hectic for the next couple of months.  I have to be honest to myself and Evan and I would never work because I only see him as a friend. I could not possibly see him as anything more, ever.

Gees. I think relationships (friendly or intimate ones) are too hard sometimes. However, I also think that they are very worth it!


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Another Quiz About Myself

March 28, 2009 at 6:41 pm (Quizzes)

I am super bored and I don’t want to work on my architecture…


What is your salad dressing of choice?

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
No idea. That is a great question. I like a lot of places. Kai, Flame, Zio’s, and El Maguay’s.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pepperoni all the way!

What do you like to put on your toast?
peanut butter


How many televisions are in your house?

What color is your cell phone.
Red. I wish I would have gotten the black one now though.


Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right to write with, left to do about anything else.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Huh? That is a silly question. I guess yes?

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My architecture drawing board… I hate that thing.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Yeah. I was bucked off a horse.


If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Nope. I am just fine living a day at a time.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I would say Adrianna Jade.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
That seems like a silly question. I can handle hot saucethough.


How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
Let’s just say a couple pairs of them.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
The last KU game I went to, they got my car for parking in the wrong section.

Last person you talked to?
Hmm… Adam, Evan, or my mother.

Last person you hugged?
Evan! Then Nicki!



St. Patrick’s Day!

Day of the week?
Saturday. Hell yeah!

November or December. I like the end of the year.


Missing someone?
Always missing someone I guess. I am usually all alone in Springtown.

Procrastination rocks – that’s how I feel.

What are you listening to?
At the moment, U2 is on.

Mizzou lose to UCONN!

Worrying about?
Architecture. Always.


First place you went this morning?
To chill with Evan in the living room because he stayed the night on my couch because he was a little too wasted to drive home. I made him stay.

What’s the last movie you saw?
I believe it was The Watchmen. I thought it was a great movie.

Do you smile often?
Yes, I might very often.

Sleeping Alone Tonight?


Do you always answer your phone?
Yeah, unless I am really involved in something.

Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
My mother, ha, probably drunk.

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Green, all the time.

What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
Nothing. I rarely go to Sonic anymore.

Do you own a digital camera?
It is my life.

Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yes, they always die like days later. So, I am sticking to a dog. I can at least tell when something is wrong.

Favorite Christmas song(s)
Anberlin’s “Inevitable”

What’s on your wish list for your birthday?
No idea. I am content.

Can you do push ups?
Of course. That seems like a silly question. I just can’t do millions of them at a time.

Can you do a chin up?
I haven’t tried in a while…

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Both! I can’t wait to be out of undergraduate school!

Do you have any saved texts?
Yes. I do. I have kept some for sentimental reasons.

Ever been in a car wreck?
Unfortunately, yeah, a couple of them.

Do you have an accent?
I wish! Accents are so amazingly cool.

What is the last song to make you cry?
I can’t remember the title right now.

Plans tonight?
I have to work hardcore on some architecture.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Not too long ago I did I guess.

Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
I bought alcohol and mixers for Nicki and Aaron’s get-together.

Have you ever been given roses?
Yep! I love flowers.

Current worry?
Money. Men. My mother.

Current hate right now?
Architecture over spring break!

Met someone who changed your life?
Definitely. My grandparents did that for me.

How will you bring in the New Year?
With some spunk hopefully!

What song represents you?
“Stupid” by Sarah McLachlan

Name three people who might complete this?
I have no freaking clue.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yes! I definitely would. I would make a couple of major changes.

Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
My ears are pierced, but I want to get a tattoo.

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
Hopefully not, I am taking things super slow for a very good reason.

Would you be a pirate?
Seriously? I might have a little bit of a pirate in me…

What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don’t sing in the shower unless I have a song stuck in my head.

Ever had someone sing to you?
Yeah. It was kind of strange at first.

When did you last cry?
Recently, I thought that opening myself up to an old flame would be a horrible idea. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would have been.

Are you afraid of being alone?
Not at all, I actually like it quite a bit. I’ll always have Hendrix!

Do you like to cuddle?
I have to be super comfortable with another person, but once I hit that point I like it a lot.

Have you held hands with anyone today?
Absolutely not.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Nicki and Aaron!

What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
Country – some old classics like Garth Brooks and Brooks and Dunn.

Do you believe in staying close with your ex?
It depends. My most recent ex and I are still really good friends…

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Mostly new, a couple of older ones.

Do you like pulpy orange juice?
not if I can have Sunny D!

What is something your friends make fun of you for?
For laughing too loud or crying at a certain point when I laugh for a while…

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The Verdict

March 28, 2009 at 1:48 pm (It's just my life)

So, there was a lot of awkwardness in our phone conversations, but it was kind of nice too. I loved hearing his voice again. We talked for quite a while, wait, we had a lot of long silences at first. Well, I guess not just at first. Anyway, it was almost indescribable.

Neeraj called me and he didn’t tell me to go kill myself or eff off. I really expected him to just say leave me alone for good. However, he didn’t. It was like a miracle for me. I couldn’t believe it and was in shock for a very long time. I believe that I still am. Oh well. I guess, in the end, we might try some aspect of friendship which is way more than I was even hoping for. It will take some time, a lot of time, but I will show him in the end it was worth it. I can be trusted and I am worth knowing again. I will make everything up to him. And, if I don’t I will keep on trying.

I am so blessed that he is even giving me this opportunity.

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Camping was a Success

March 27, 2009 at 1:38 pm (It's just my life)

I had a wonderful camping trip! We got to float the first day for a while and we found the best possible campsite available ever! We didn’t really have a plan where we were going to set up camp for the night, but somehow we found the perfect place.

It was right up the hill from the river and there was a pavilion, some cut wood, an old fire ring, clothes lines, an outhouse (which I refused to use…), a mirror on a tree, some picnic tables, and flat ground for our tents. I swear this place was amazing. We were so lucky to find it.

Anyway, I thought ahead and brought a giant tarp for my tent so if it rains it won’t seep through. It did rain and was pretty cold at night, but the tarp helped to keep the heat in and that was awesome. I was very proud of myself for doing that. The other guys in the other tent got all wet. I felt bad, but I wasn’t aware of the fact until the morning.

As for the turtles, I saw so many turtles it was ridiculous! I hear so many more plop into the water before I could find them, but I would say overall I saw about 35 turtles. That is a pretty good amount. I saw most of them when we were floating the second day because we spent more time on the river than the first day (makes sense).

Well, the only other thing I could say was that I was deeply affected by a phone call I got. I guess Neeraj tried calling my while I was out on the water and I didn’t have service. I knew that was going to happen. Anyway, I tried calling back like 3 times, but it said it failed every time. I was finally able to get a text message out at one point explaining that I was in the middle of no where.

Now for me, I spent the whole rest of the time thinking about the reasons he could have for calling. If it were me, I would have called if I had something good to say and sent a message over the internet if it was something not so great. However, it isn’t me. I am the one who avoids conflict. I think maybe he would just call to set the record straight and be done with it. I sure hope not, but I am going crazy now.

I was going to call last night on my way back but it was raining so hard that I could barely see the road. Then I thought, when I get home…. Nope, I didn’t get home until 10:00 and I thought that might be pushing it. So today I am going to call around 7:00 if he hasn’t called me by then. Gosh, I am so completely nervous. I am like a huge chicken because I believe in signs, and the fact that I wasn’t able to call yesterday might serve as some kind of omen. Dang it. I have been bracing myself for bad news for weeks and months. Now, I am down to the end of it and it is about to drive me bonkers. I keep holding on for that one glimmer of hope that maybe he has been like me all this time…

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2 Day Camping and Floating Trip

March 25, 2009 at 12:10 pm (It's just my life)

I am getting away for a couple of days. Maybe then I can stop driving myself insane, waiting. A couple of friends and I are going camping and canoeing. I am pretty excited. I just hope it doesn’t rain a bunch. That might put a damper on some of my plans, but maybe not. I do love the rain more than about anything.

I am praying that I don’t see any snakes… Also, I am going to do what I do everytime. I am going to count how many turtles I see. Usually it is a pretty high number. I don’t know, considering the season if there will be a bunch this time. I will let you know when I get back.




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March 25, 2009 at 12:04 am (Funny Random)

– Go to Google image search.
– Type in your answer to each question.
– Choose a picture from the first three pages.
– Use this website ( to make your collage.

1. What is your name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your hometown?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. What is your favorite movie?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What is one word to describe yourself?
10. How are you feeling right now?
11. What do you love most in the world?
12. What do you want to be when you grow up?


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Long Survey

March 24, 2009 at 11:27 pm (Funny Random, Quizzes)


Name someone with the same birthday as you:
My Grandpa Skeeter

When was your last kiss?
A while ago… how about that.

For or against same sex marriage?
For them, for sure-everyone deserves to be happy and treated well.

Are you bisexual?
Nope. Not even close.

Do you believe in God?
I do believe in God. Just don’t ask me about which one… ha. It would be way too hard to explain my beliefs. I am a little out there when it comes to religious practices.

How many US states have you been to?
18 I think, maybe more.

How many of the US states have you lived in?
2. Kansas and Missouri. Hopefully it doesn’t end like that. I plan on graduate school outside of those two states…

Have you ever lived outside the US?
Yes! I lived for a brilliant summer in Italy. I want to live there when I am older and finished with school.

Name something you like physically about yourself:
Gees, I don’t know. I guess I like that my eyes change color. They change from brown to green. Nobody has really noticed that, with the exception of Neeraj who actually took the time to really see into them.

Name something non physical you like about yourself:
I am always trying to improve myself by constant reading and gaining knowledge in everything I do. I like to be well educated and well rounded.

What is the current rumor traveling around about someone?
My mother likes to tell me about my brother and sister-in-law’s relationship. I don’t really know how much of those things are true. I don’t like rumors. They are silly.

What is your dream car?
What it has always been – A Dodge Viper! Vroom!

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
New Zealand, India, Ireland, England, France and Italy again!

Have you ever had someone of the opposite sex over at your house while your parents were gone?
Preferably, considering I don’t live with my parents and I have a house of my own now. But yeah, when I did live with them I had someone over. I was a good girl though.

How many concerts have you gone to?
Hm. Let me check, 26 bands, some multiple times.

Do you download music?
Arr Matey!

How many illegal things have you done?
A couple I think. One for sure.

Where would you want to go on a first date?
I love going to coffee shops. Neeraj was the only one I got to do that with. Adam never liked them… mer.

Would you date the person who posted this:
What kind of silly question is that? Why is that relevant?

Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Yeah, it made me feel uncomfortable at first.

Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Yeah, it was magical. KC baby!

Do you like president Bush?
HELL NO! And, he is not the president now. Thank God!

Have you ever bungee jumped?
No, but maybe someday. Hang gliding might come first…

Have you ever crashed a car?
Unfortunately more than once, but that was all back in the high school days. I am a much better driver now.

Has anyone more than 10 years older than you hit on you?
Yeah, it was so funny. There were about 10 people that really knew us and wanted us together. He was a musician. I would not feel comfortable with that. That would be too weird.

Have you met a real redneck?
Yeah, just go out to where Adam lives. Gees, I used to feel like I was infected with some awful disease from the area… Redneckitis or something. I hated it there.


Are you interested in anyone right now?
I have always been interested in this person, but it wasn’t the right time or something. Or, I was just stupid. That works.

What song are you listening to right now?
“Devils Song” by Anthony Green

What is your current favorite song?
I have a couple. One is “Happiness” by The Fray.

What was the last movie you watched?
Twilight! I am going to watch it with the cast commentary next. : )

Who was the last person that told you they loved you?
My mom.

Where was the last place you went besides your house?
Work or Walmart. I am not sure.

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone elses property?
Nope. Toilet paper doesn’t count.

Ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Yes, I am sure I have because my brother is a male. Well, I have at least slapped someone besides him. Max when we were kids. It was over a Celine Dion song.

Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Eyes and smile first, then their intelligence and humor. Those are hugely important to me.

What turns you on?
Kissing… passionately. Ha.

What do you usually order from starbucks?
No idea. I prefer coffee houses that aren’t really mainstream. I like local ones.

What is one of your sexual fantasies?
Seriously? OK, well, it involves the rain. : )

Tell something totally weird about yourself:
I hate that I am a vault. I keep everything in (all my emotions and secrets) and eventually it explodes and it isn’t the prettiest thing I can tell you that.

Do you have an i-pod?
Yeah. I do.

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yeah. It was weird. I don’t think I look like the person they said.

Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Well, other than the occasional Disney cartoon movie, not really.

Do you have braces?
I have never had braces. Man, my friends and I were talking about that the other day. I was the only one out of 8 people without braces at one point. I thought that was weird.

Are you comfortable with your height?
I have always wished to be taller, even if it was just one simple little inch.

When do you know its love?
This isn’t the question to ask me right now. I have always known it, but didn’t realize it until it was too late. It was the biggest mistake of my life letting it go.

Do you speak any other languages besides English?
Kind of, I am getting pretty good with my Spanish. My Italian is coming along too…

What kind of alcohol do you enjoy while out?
I like vodka and beer. Not together of course. It depends on my mood.

What magazines do you read?
Time, Life, and National Geographic. I know, I am boring. I don’t read the typical girl magazines like Cosmo. I don’t care. Well, I guess I read Style. That is the only really good fashion magazine in my opinion.

Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yeah, I have. I thought it was fun.

Has anyone you were close with passed away?
Yes, both of my grandpas.

What’s something that really annoys you?
I hate when people play me off for things because I am a girl (poker or sports for example). Or, people who can’t manage to drive the speed limit.

What’s something you really like?
Reading good books while it is raining or watching thunderstorms always rocks my world. Or, I like finding that perfect song to fit your mood at just the right time.

Do you like Michael Jackson?
Pre-pedophilia and pre surgery, yeah because he had some music that really shaped the time period. For that, he will always be a musical genius to me.

Do you ever want to get married?

Sure, but it has to be for real and forever. I don’t believe in divorce, even though my parents have done it.

Who is your best friend?
Well, right now, Evan, Nicki and Aaron are doing a pretty good job of it. Adam is a good friend too, even though he thinks we will eventually get back together. He said he was “never” going to give up on me. I couldn’t help it that I didn’t feel anything for him. I tried to make it work for too long. I just had too strong of feelings for someone else. I guess that is besides the point though. Ha. I guess I understand how he feels if I put myself in his shoes and the way I feel for Neeraj…poor guy. It sucks being in this position.

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The Fray with Jack’s Mannequin

March 23, 2009 at 11:42 pm (Music)

I did something to take my mind off of things. I bought tickets to see The Fray with Jack’s Mannequin this summer in Kansas City. July 22 I believe…

Man, how great is that one going to be?! I totally love both bands! Now, the question is, who am I going to go with? I bought 4 tickets.

At least this will keep me occupied for a while.

:  )

the fray

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March 23, 2009 at 11:39 pm (It's just my life)

Still Freaking Out.

I couldn’t sleep last night at all, what’s new there?… I have a feeling that it is going to be repeated tonight.

God, this is difficult waiting. Granted, I have waited over two years to let these feelings out, but still. I am going to go crazy.

Watch out for me… I might become a raving loon!

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I’m Totally Freaking Out

March 23, 2009 at 1:29 pm (It's just my life)

I sent a message to Neeraj explaining in not the best ways, that I still love him.

I could have written a novel about it but I tried to keep it relatively short, considering. Anyway, I figure it is now or never. I tried for so long to follow what he told me to do, but I just couldn’t wait and I had to tell him. I don’t really expect anything to come from it, but at least he will know what I have been feeling for so long. I figure that he has wiped me out of his past in an attempt to forget it all. I have never been able to do that.

I am upset at myself because I know that I could have done a much better job in person… It is just that I didn’t think he would actually meet with me, let alone find a time to do it. I don’t even know if he is with someone. If he is that is great! I wish for his happiness every single day. I also don’t expect him to just accept me and my mistakes. I know that I have been awful. All he has ever done was love me before and I gave it up. It really is my loss…

However, I would rather tell him now than go on the rest of my life thinking about the what ifs or continually comparing him to others when I know that he will always be that number one guy to me.

(Sigh.) What have I gotten myself into? Wow.

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No More JoMo

March 22, 2009 at 10:51 pm (It's just my life)

I drove down today and I came back today too!  I got bored and my mother passed out a little wasted. She had way too much wine.What’s new…

Anyway, I was sad being there so I just left. I missed Neeraj too much.


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March 22, 2009 at 10:24 am (It's just my life)

So, I am heading to Joplin in just a little bit. I am going to try to make it to BAM if they are open on Sunday before the Kansas game at 1:30. Maybe I will try to get there around noon-ish. That sounds like a good time.  My mother wants to go somewhere to watch the game. I have no idea where we would go, but oh well. I don’t spend too much time there. Every time I am there I just get sad. Everything I do reminds me of Neeraj. That is the sad part. Anyway, I am going to look up the Hookah Lounge. I have heard good things about it from my friends who are still there. Maybe I will stop by sometime, maybe not.

Well, at least I have a couple of good books to read. That makes things better. Plus, I get to take Hendrix with me. Yay! I love taking my puppy everywhere I go!

OK, I better get a move on. Later Alligators!

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