So, I tried to remember an old anniversary yesterday. I couldn’t remember it without looking it up. I still haven’t looked it up because it is in “The Box!”
The Box is the container of all of my old things from my previous relationship. I know I still shouldn’t have it, but I do. Plus, it is in PLAIN SIGHT! I love those memories and I loved who I was with in those memories.
So, the dilemma is… I don’t know if I want to bring that all back up again. I have done it many times before but I have been trying to refrain from doing it again. (I am trying to move on… kind of.) I have been pretty good for a couple of months. Every once in a while I just have to look at it. It makes me sad because it is in the past now, but like I said, I loved that time of my life…
What do I do??
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So, I basically just started back to school 6 days ago and already we have a snow day. My university NEVER EVER closes!! This is a treat… Especially since we aren’t really too deep into our school work to where we are really missing out on some serious work time!
I am going to spend the day with my puppy and we are going to have some fun. He is learning the whole pody training thing very well! I am EXTREMELY PROUD of him. So lately I have been calling him “Budders”… I was calling him buddy and now it is budders. It is just so much fun to have a puppy. The only problem is he is still teething because he is not even 3 months old. I can’t wait until he understands “no”. He is starting to get there but it needs a lot of work.
Anyway, today it was hailing here and he was jumping up in the air to try to catch some hail in his mouth. Yeah, he is definitely my puppy. Plus, he loves chewing on ice cubes. He pushes it all over the house and then crunches into it. I swear. He is amazing. Also, I just got stuff to do a scrapbook of him. I have now done 3 different scrapbooks and I think that the life of my puppy deserves one! Besides, he is only a puppy once!
I still, in a way, wish that I had a certain someone to share it with… but he is all the way in a different city… OK. So yeah. (I wasn’t meaning the one in Columbia…) OK, so that is all I have for now. I have to take Hendrix out because he is sniffing around. That is usually not a great sign for a puppy…
; )
I will post pictures of him in the snow some time later! Promise!
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So I am sitting in my community studies architecture studio and I am bored out of my mind. We were supposed to be waiting for instruction from the teacher and turn in our summaries of a specific topic we were all supposed to look at and become experts on. Mine was the Main Street Program which basically makes it an issue to revitalize main streets and to ensure local businesses. It was pretty interesting actually.
Anyway, I was just thinking. We are supposed to have a HUGE ice storm tonight. What’s new? Springfield have an ice storm? What? Yeah. Typical. Anyway, people are like rushing to places like Walmart and Ace Hardware to get things like propane heaters and candles. Instead of doing the same I am stuck in studio with no instruction waiting for someone to either get off of a computer or for the class to convene.
I keep thinking that I wish I was some place where I could harness this weather and go skiing or something. I have been dreaming about that for a couple of weeks now. I keep having dreams where I am skiing through the trees and I have to wait for the people with me because they are super slow. It is still a good dream. I rather like it. Last night in particular, I was with a group of friends that we going skiing but I forgot necessary items such as gloves, a mask, socks, and a hat or something to keep my ears warm. I ended up wasting four or so hours looking for things and my friends left me. It was not a happy time. Then, I just decided to go skiing on my own. And that was amazing!
So, I had to use the time I was bored to convey my awesome, yet not awesome dream. I wish I were there…
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So there is a song that seems to be for the soundtrack of my life… I know, out of all the songs, this one fits it best.
Can’t Seem to Get It Right Today – by Joe Purdy
I just can’t seem to get it right today (today)
I just can’t seem to get it right today (today)
I just can’t love, seem to get it right today
I guess I’m gonna give up
oh, I guess I’m gonna give up
It’s nearly been a year since he’s been gone
we still sing his goodbye songs
and she knows she should move on
but she just can’t let him go
no, she just can’t let him go
I’m sorry if I made you wanna cry
I’m sorry if I made you wanna cry
You should know I never meant to hide
I just hate bringin you down
oh, I just hate bringin you down
I just can’t seem to get it right today
I just can’t seem to get it right today
I just can’t seem to get it right today
I guess I’m gonna give up
oh, I guess I’m gonna give up
And I dropped my paintbrush in the dirt
I’m still numb by just how much I hurt
I cut my hand, wait for it to work
but I just couldn’t bring him back
no, I just couldn’t bring him back
I just can’t seem to get it right today
Oh, I just can’t seem to get it right today
I just can’t seem to get it right today
I guess I’m gonna give up
oh, I guess I’m gonna give up
oh, I guess I’m gonna give up
oh, I guess I’m gonna give up
oh, I guess I’m gonna give up
oh, I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh lord I said I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh lord I said I guess I’m gonna give up
I wish I could just give up… I really do. There are just so many things bogging me down everyday. I thought I would be able to change things for 2009. It isn’t really happening though. No, I do not have a mood disorder, I just really feel hopelessness sometimes. It seems that things in my life just drag on and on and there is no way out. It is like I am in a perpetual maze where there is no way out and there is no prize in the center of it all. Contradictorily, I hope this will change, but it is only a small glimmer that something better is to come.
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So, today I was being extremely bored, thus I was watching the travel channel. I happened to see that Anthony Bourdain No Reservations was on tonight with it’s focus on VENICE! I lived there this summer! I traveled the back roads and less touristy areas and visited the truly Venetian hot spots. I loved it! I want to go back to Italy some day and live there. (But before then, I want to travel through Europe.) Anyway, I saw two places on the show that I actually went to – a gelato restaurant and the fish markets. Apparently Anthony Bourdain was there shooting this specific episode this summer… seriously, how amazing would that have been to see him shooting his show while I was there?!
Yeah, anyway, I thought that was something special that I had to share. I mean that was one of those experiences that I will never forget. All I need to do now is learn the rest of the Italian language… only, no place around Springfield, MO offers it as a language. How sad! Well, shoot… that is the end of my rantings. Later!
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I am all in a bind. I don’t know what it is about the elusive and unknown, but I have been etremely curious about a past relationship lately. I find myself dreaming of someone… every night. It is unnerving. I figured that this would go away after enough time had pasted, but alas, it hasn’t. Even worse than that is when I can’t sleep the only thing that helps me sleep is to pretend that a certain person from a previous relationship was there with me with his arm around me. I mean seriously, that was a couple years ago. I guess it is because all the bad things that I used to remember have gone away and now I only remember the good things: the passion we had, the love, the closeness, the great deep conversations, the best friend I had in him… Yeah. I can’t even remember why I was so unhappy. I guess I was tired of fighting for “us”. Now looking back, I just wished I was more settled and mature. Not that I am not happy now with Adam, but that is just it… I am simply content. He treats me well and he does many nice things for me. Plus, he loves me. I wonder if I will ever have that passion for another person the way I had it before… I know that the man I loved before has been changed by life, by me, and by his experiences… but I will always love that soft side of him – that gentle and sweet nature. He was perfect and I threw it away. I need to get just get over it. Of course, I have needed to get over it for some time, but it just hasn’t happened. Why? Why can’t I get him out of my head, and my heart.
I still do and say things that “we” did together. For example, every time someone says “school bus” I still say “hi.” Sometimes I wish that the McDonald’s commercials still did the “I’m lovin’ it” theme. It is to the point that it is ridiculous. He has moved on and I don’t know why I can’t. Why am I so stupid?!
Anyway, like I said, I am happy. Plus, it is SO GREAT to get to spend time with his family on holidays and be accepted for who I am. I wouldn’t give that up for the world. I mean, Adam’s mom has been helping me learn to cook and I am not to shabby. I know about 5 substantial meals now. And, I like that is family has problems too. I mean, not like big ones, but every family has problems. With everything that has happened with my family lately, it is nice to see that things aren’t always peachy all the time. After my dad and I had our fall-out, Adam was there for me. That was nice, because he is a nice guy. I have always liked the nice guys.
So ok, I think I am finished with my rantings. I don’t even know where that came from. I would like to leave this on a good note. I have adopted a puppy. It is a boy and I was going to name him Cooper like I always planned, but it just didn’t seem right. So I named him Hendrix. Jimi Allman Hendrix. My two favorite classic rock bands into one… brilliant – Jimi Hendrix and The Allman Brothers Band.
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Something Interesting Methinks 