I must be a little messed up…

February 5, 2009 at 6:24 pm (Uncategorized)

Last night I watched a movie with my friend Evan and we ended up talking into the wee hours of the night about everything. He is such a great guy and sooo fun to talk to! I swear, he is one of the most fun people I know. Plus, he is just so gosh darn smart. I have always been very attracted to that quality in a person. But anyway, we got to talking about relationships and I actually told him that I missed the guy I was with when we met a couple of years ago. I had never actually told anyone in person that before and it just slipped out. I played it not so cool… I was like, “It’s fine…. I am sure he is fine. I know I will always have feelings for him, but I am sure he has moved on… I’m really okay.” He definitely caught that I was lying about the fact that I was fine because he asked me if I was really okay. I teared up a little… I never cry in front of people because I feel weak and helpless in front of them. Anyway, I was just so surprised that I actually made my feelings vocal for the first time. I am glad it was to Evan because he knew him a little. He said he always liked him and thought he was funny… gregarious nachos… ha. Good times, good times. (Sigh.)

Anyway, I had told him that since my previous relationship I have never found anyone that I felt that way towards. Evan, of course, was like, I am sure you will find someone… someday. (In my head I was like… yeah right, not like him! He was too special.) I also told him that Adam and I would probably not be together very much longer. However, I will have to wait a little bit because Adam and I are supposed to go on a trip to Europe at the beginning of summer… I guess we haven’t bought the tickets yet… i could do it soon, but i feel so bad because he loves me so much!  Plus, I would just be alone after that, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And it isn’t like i want to date other people… just one other person who I have already known and loved previously. He is the only one i ever really wanted. I didn’t know that until I actually tried dating people. That is kind of why we broke up… how stupid is that?! I wanted to date other people and he didn’t want me to. I did find out he was right and I just got myself into a whole mess of trouble. We were apart for a couple of months and I was dating someone else. Then we got back together and it just wasn’t the same. I thought i wanted someone else, but I didn’t… and I don’t.

Gees… I am so stuck in the past. This just isn’t healthy… I need to stop before I am to the point where these thoughts ruin my current relationships… even though they kind of already are. When I am thinking about someone else when I am with someone… that just isn’t right. It is just that I can’t do better. I can’t have that person back… so, that is the best I can get, and he really does love me. I know that. I just don’t have the passion where every second of the day is spent thinking about him.. unlike how it was before. Wow… I might be a little messed up about this whole situation. To see it actually written out, my thoughts I mean, it makes it so real… Hm.

I am going to stop this now. I shouldn’t wish for things that I can have…